Month: January 2018

Get More Done by Doing Less

I am a list maker. I love the feeling of accomplishment that comes when you check things off a to-list, packing list, grocery list- you name it.  This isn’t new for me but as I get older, and hopefully a bit wiser, I am wondering if this to-do mentality may actually be holding me back. Is it possible that in our ‘get more done in less time’ lives and society that we are missing key moments and opportunities to enjoy the lives we have? I learned this lesson this past year.

We are an artificial Christmas tree family. While sometimes I miss the smell of the real pine and the trip to the tree farm that I remember as a child, I have always appreciated the ease and beauty of our predicable, hassle free artificial tree. Unfortunately, our artificial tree is heavy and cumbersome- a two man carrying job. Last January when the New Year hit and it was time to bundle our tree up in the tree-bag and carry it down to the garage it became a daunting task.

I teased my husband for a good 4 weeks that THIS would be the weekend we would carry the tree down. January passed, February came, and then March and still the tree sat in our living room. I was frustrated at first. And then one day it hit me: who did it bother that the tree wasn’t moved? Only me. Only I had ‘move tree’ on my to-do-list and only I would feel a sense of accomplishment by getting it moved.

So, I decided to let it go. And I did, for a full year. We left that tree up for a full year. I realized that the time I saved not being annoyed or expecting perfection allowed me to loosen up on other areas in my life. The tree was symbolic of me ‘getting more done by doing less.’ I now make a point to sit with my kids and hear about their days after school instead of mopping the floor; I chose to chat with a friend on the phone instead of saying I’m too busy to talk; and most importantly I am now able to thoughtfully prioritize my list instead of internally expecting that I get it all get done. I’d rather be present than productive.  

What is YOUR Christmas tree lesson? Is there something you’ve been holding on to that is causing frustration and maybe even resentment? What would happen if you let it go?

Is it possible that you could get MORE done by doing LESS because you’ll less encumbered by the little things thus allowing more room to enjoy the most important things? In the hustle and bustle of this holiday season it might be worth giving yourself a little grace, your list will still be there. ????

Be well,

Sarah 

If you are interested in how EQUIP Counseling can support you and your family, hop over to equipcounseling.com

Would you Rather be Right or Happy?

There was an article written recently titled “How Co-Sleeping Ruined My Marriage.” It was written by a father (Van-Winkle) and it received a lot of backlash from the parenting community. I, however, enjoyed it immensely. If you can read past the specifics of the article it highlights the importance negotiation and compromise within partnership.

The author presents that he and his wife had very different views on co-sleeping and that, in the end, it was their lack of ability to change each other that led to the demise of their marriage. At the end of the article the author concludes that “co-sleeping was the casus belli– but the resulting chaos proved fatal” (Van-Winkle, 2015).

I will not take a stand on co-sleeping or not, that is not the point. The point is that all couples have problems that by nature are difficult to solve. John Gottman calls these ‘perpetual problems.’ These problems arise because of our strongly rooted belief systems, family or personal experiences, culture, and perspectives causing these beliefs to become areas of high emotion when challenged.

The good news? Every couple has perpetual problems.

The bad news? It’s up to you and your partner if you choose to let perpetual problems become gridlocked perpetual problems (Gottman). They do not have to be.

How?

  1. Find 1 positive thing in your partner’s point of view, even if it’s dramatically different than yours.
  2. Accept that your partner’s view is part of what attracted you to them- don’t squash it.
  3. Bring humor and levity into these situations; it helps, trust me.
  4. Decide if you would rather be RIGHT or HAPPY, you cannot be both all the time.

One of my favorite professors authored a book called, “We’ve Had This Fight Before.” The idea being that most couples will not have 500 fights but the same 5 fights 100 times. It’s a fascinating theory and an even better read. This would be another illustration of perpetual problems. The next time you are eager to jump on your partner for the same thing again? It might be worth remembering the adage that you ‘cannot change someone else, only your reaction.’

So, today, would you rather be RIGHT or would you rather be HAPPY?

Be well,

Sarah

Disclaimer: the above problems do not apply to abuse or neglect. If you are in need of more support, visit www.equipcounseling.com.

Top Tips For Parenting During the Holidays

Ready or not, the holiday season is upon us. Maybe this is your first holiday season in separate homes or maybe it’s been years. Either way, the holiday season brings up emotion that can often complicate our experiences; this article really highlights this topic well. Considering the holidays are prime memory-making times for our kids, below are the Top Tips I recommend to help make this season smooth and enjoyable for everyone:

Tip 1: Plan Ahead: this might seem simple but really nailing down far in advance who has the kids what days goes far when bringing stability and helps takes the emotion out of situations. You had them on Christmas eve last year? Maybe it’s her turn this year. Presumably you follow a parenting plan but that is not always the case.

Tip 2: Over Communicate: Not only do specific dates need to be established but times, pickup locations, what clothing needs to come, etc. Often the holidays have altered details and we must overly communicate our expectations or be prepared for disappointment and frustration.

Tip 3: Maintain Traditions: Kids thrive when they experience traditions. Try and pick a handful of things you did prior to your separation and repeat them even though you are no longer together. Maybe you always went caroling with your family, still do it! Maybe you typically went to the snow with her family, you can still do it! Maybe you always built gingerbread houses as a family, do it anyway.

Tip 4: Relax: Our kids are more intuitive than we think. They know when we are stressed and likewise feel grounded and safe when we are relaxed. Be an example for your little kids that even in the midst of change it is OK to find contentment and joy.

If you would like more personal support to make the holiday season more enjoyable for your family, pop over to my website for details.

Be well,

Sarah

If you are crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how EQUIP Counseling can you and your family emotionally visit Equipcounseling.com

Got Clutter?

Clutter. We all have it. Whether or not we are good at purging or if it’s a challenge for us, most of us at times, struggle with clutter. Part of it comes from the ‘more is better’ mentality our society has created. What mom hasn’t come home from another birthday party or fast food restaurant with small toys that either end up on the floor of the car or scattered around the house? What person doesn’t push stuff to the back of their closet or bookcase and commit to ‘looking at it later?’

Did you know that clutter increases stress and increased stress leads to increased anxiety and depression? What are we to do?


 I stumbled up Allie Cazzaza from A Purpose Housewife blog being interviewed recently. Check out her blog for inspiring and doable ways to declutter and streamline your home. She’s inspired me to purge our house. This weekend alone we packed 16 trash bags full of clutter to take to Good Will, and there is more to come! 

What are YOU hanging on to that you could let go of? Sometimes holding on to physical things represents what we are unwilling to let go of emotionally. Perhaps today is the day you decide to take the first step in de-cluttering yourself emotionally. Talk therapy can be a great way to help organize your emotions and select which ones are no longer serving you. 

Be well!

Sarah

If you are crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how EQUIP Counseling can help declutter you emotionally visit Equipcounseling.com

Baggage: How Heavy is Yours?

Baggage. We all have it. We enter into relationships, romantic or not, with our bags full of past experiences, past relationships, past pain, past joy. Some people choose to carefully unpack their baggage and discard things that are longer useful (unhealthy ways of thinking, toxic relationships, bad habits).  However, no matter how self-aware we are, our history is what frames our present experiences. We may even learn new and effective coping strategies but when faced with heightened emotional situations it’s common nature to revert back to old thinking/behavior that often that leads to taking things personally.

It’s a skill to learn to not take things personally. Sometimes this skill is learned fast, sometimes slowly, and sometimes at the sake of relationships and personally peace. There are books upon books written about the topic; my favorite is The Four Agreements.

I also heard the 3 P’s discussed recently and I thought it was a clever way to do a quick ‘self check’  if you notice yourself feeling emotionally flooded. The idea being, when something happens or someone says something that is disagreeable to you, do you:

  1.  take it Personally? (“they are right, they saw through me, they don’t like me”)
  2.  believe and start to believe its Permanent? (“this is never going to change, it’s all my fault”)
  3.  believe or start to think the event or idea is Pervasive? (“nothing ever goes right”)

Bottom line, it’s normal to take things personally. The goal is to learn to do it less. People are thinking about themselves way more than they are thinking about you. You’ve come so far with that baggage, maybe it’s time to open it up and toss out some ‘old’ things that aren’t serving you anymore. And BONUS, your load will be lighter. ????

Be well!

Sarah

If you are in crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how EQUIP Counseling can help support your entire family visit Equipcounseling.com

Does Your Marriage Need a Tune Up?

I believe that couples counseling is akin to changing the oil in your car. A relationship needs regular, predictable maintenance and care in order to run smoothly. Without it a relationship may fail. I encourage couples to find a counselor and commit to periodically having ‘check-in’ sessions with this person. So WHEN, not if, issues come up there is already a support system in place with which both parents feel safe to hash out said problems. Like changing the oil in car, instead of waiting until the engines fails due to low oil, you prioritize maintenance in order avoid major catastrophe. 

Have you and your partner been regularly changing the oil in your relationship? Do you both have a place where you feel safe to talk about your feelings/fears/desires? Or do you feel on the verge of a relationship failure due to lack of maintenance? Finding a good couples counselor is a great start; be honest with each other about what you are looking for when seeking out a good fit.

Sometimes couples benefit from adding a more intense program to periodic couples counseling. Here in the Northwest we are very lucky to be near the Gottman Institute where some of the best research based couples support is found. The link below is for the often offered 2 day intensive couples workshop “The Art and Science of Love.” Check it out. It’s an amazing workshop where you will leave with hands on ways to strengthen your relationship. And bonus, several groups receive discounted rates: 

·       Microsoft Employees: NO charge for Seattle workshops

·       Clergy: $200 off enrollment fee

·       Armed Forces: $200 off enrollment fee

Be well,

Sarah

If you are in crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how EQUIP Counseling can help support your entire family visit Equipcounseling.com

It’s Moving Day!

If you follow my Facebook Business Page you’ll know that my office has moved. It’s been “all hands on deck” having ONE week to prep the space and move in. The last pictures were hung today; thanks to everyone for their help!   

Have fun seeing the office progression below!

Sarah

Two walls were PURPLE before today!

My Dad showed up with everything from drop cloth to paint!

My Mom & Sister Mary help unpack & enjoy the amazing taco truck next door

It’s getting real!

Thanks Mom & Pop for you help!

My amazing husband who spent his Saturday with a Uhual & all my furniture

That’s a wrap!

If you are in crisis please call 911.

  

If you would like more information about how Equip Counseling can help support your entire family visit Equipcounseling.com

Are We Raising Anxious Kids?

I had dinner with my parents tonight and, as always, am reminded of why I love living 20 minutes away from them. My kids love their “Grammie” and “Grandpa” and I love the adult relationship that I’ve be able to develop with them. Tonight my Dad told me about the article I’m discussing and sharing below. Thank you, Pop!

If you asked me to highlight my favorite parts of this article, this blog post would be deliriously long. The article is that good. Yes, it’s long but I encourage you to read it in entirety if you are concerned about raising capable and resilient little people. ????

The author (Benoit Denzet-Lewis) is posing the questions “Why are our teenagers suffering more anxiety?” He presents several actual case studies as well as researchers in the field. He attests that “Anxiety is the most common mental-health disorder in the United States, affecting nearly one-third of both adolescents and adults, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. But unlike depression, with which it routinely occurs, anxiety is often seen as a less serious problem” (Benoit Denzet-Lewis).  Denzet-Lewis goes on to present research from Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University, who researches adolescent mental health, that finds “(that) the use of social media and smartphones look culpable for the increase in teen mental-health issues.” This is bold and forward thinking that has been looked at some but needs more research. Denzet-Lewis goes on to look at what happens when we as parents, as well as our education system, lower possible stress/anxiety producing situations and how that directly correlates to lowered teen ‘resiliency.’ One mom in the piece made the poignant comment, “The million-dollar question of raising an anxious child is: When is pushing her going to help because she has to face her fears, and when is it going to make the situation worse and she’s going to have a panic attack?”

Overall the article raises multiple good points and continues to look at the connection between increased technology usage and depression/anxiety. As a parent of a teenager who has no social media I know that the battle is hard. I never place judgement on any decision another parent makes, parenting is hard enough without us judging one another. I do know, though, that our teen’s life is better off on a daily basis because she is free from the pull of social media. She’ll thank us one day, or not. ????

Be well!

Sarah

Enjoy the Article.

If you are in crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how Equip Counseling can help support your entire family visit Equipcounseling.com

The List YOU Need If You Are Getting Married

I don’t know about you, but I love LISTS. Not just lists, but lists, steps, bullet points, all of them. These strategies help to cut through superfluous information in order to allow the most important information to be highlighted. That’s why, when I find articles that have good lists about topics I find interesting, I pour through them as a fish to water. The article below is a great example. If you are thinking about getting married, or re-married it’s definitely worth reading.

Enjoy!

Sarah

If you are in crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how Equip Counseling can help support your entire family visit Equipcounseling.com

Save Your NO’s

Parenting teens has always been challenging but it seems even more daunting now with the onslaught of media, constant connection with technology and mixed messages all around. I was given the advice a while back to “Save your NO’s” whenever possible while parenting teens.

Our teens are trying to figure out how the world works, sometimes it’s uncomfortable to watch that happen. If they feel close to us as parents, they will ENLIST us along the way (sharing their challenges, their fears, details of plans, etc).  If they feel marginalized and unheard they will DISMISS us (increased need for privacy, sharing little to no detail, avoidance). Saying YES repeatedly silently (or not) shows our teens “I believe in you! I trust your growing decision-making abilities and I’m here to support as you navigate making more of them.”

I want to clarify that this idea is not synonymous with being doormat and saying YES to everything our teens ask; you are still the adult entrusted with their safety. This is about giving our teens confidence to make choices/decisions while they are in our homes.  Say YES to all the little and medium things so they can learn and make mistakes with us right there to coach them through it. You will have to decide what the NO’s are for your family; I recommend establishing these NO’s before the issues come up. Then, when you do say NO, your NO’s have weight because of relationship fostered during all the many times you said YES.

If you already are doing this? Great! Keep it up, it’ll pay off. If you recoiled from the post above, I encourage you to challenge yourself with the questions below:

1.       Is your first answer is usually NO? Why? Is it just out of habit, or maybe just because ‘you are the parent’? Does it seem to be working well?

2.       Why NOT say YES? Really think about why you hesitate to say yes to things. If saying yes is a trigger for YOU, perhaps its more about the control, less about the question.

3.       How would your relationship change if you said YES more times than NO this week with your teen? Maybe try it. ????

Well, that’s it for this post! I look forward to connecting soon.

Be well,

Sarah

*If you have a teen in crisis please call 911.

If you would like more information about how Equip Counseling can help support your entire family visit Equipcounseling.com